Sawyer regrets leaving Ti & Do’s Heaven’s Gate Classroom but hadn’t overcome Ego and Sexuality
I was asked these two questions:
1) Do you ever regret leaving the classroom?
Yes I do regret leaving, yet at the same time, I was not learning a major lesson by staying. I’m not saying I couldn’t have learned it, and it could have been that I could have left my body as they did, which I was fully engaged in doing for a long time, and then, as some others been assigned a task that would be an opportunity to learn what I yet hadn’t. Do said that there were some in the classroom, though they were fully committed, still had more to learn before they would be provided with a Next Level vehicle.
In case you havn’t seen nor heard me talk about what this lesson was for me…
I was simply too full of myself, though I didn’t know it and in most ways didn’t act it either. In my mind, giving my life was the act of a hero, a martyr for God, a zealot and though that can be a stage, as with all things human, it wasn’t a next level attitude because it is so focused on being “seen as special”. Before Ti left she gave many students, perhaps all, I suspect, a note that contained points that Ti said if not learned sufficiently would “keep you off the spacecraft”. In other words as Do later put it…You would not be accepted on Ti’s crew as long as you hadn’t overcome/conquered these human characteristics. I had three things on my list.
1) likes to be seen as something special
2) a little too pleased with self
3) sarcastic (mostly with humans)
That was it but I didn’t know what to make of these except for the last one. When I was at what we called an “out of craft task” meaning a job outside the classroom environment, thus among those who weren’t trying to exit the human kingdom as we saw it, then I would at times be sarcastic in regards to the behavior of some whom I worked with. For instance I would sort of lord over them with zealotry, in particular, at a job that was cooking dinner, when another cook would get all angry and start using 4 letter words with yelling at others and the waiters/waitresses, I would at times indicate they were out of place – not needing to be vulgar, etc. and I didn’t come accross to them in a helpful way, but a sarcastic way.
Ti knew of some of the instances as I reported some but in particular I was fired by a job or two as a result though perhaps there was more to it, but Ti didn’t need to see a lot of examples to know this was a weakness of mine, as I was not at the job to try to change the way others were acting, though if they were acting that way to me, it would have been a different story but still not one to be sarcastic about, as if to put them into their place, while I held the higher ground.
After I left for a period of time I remember being critical of Ti’s telling me I like to be seen as special. I recall thinking…”no Ti I want to BE special, not be seen as special, and what’s wrong with that”. It was nearly 10 years after I left that I woke up to what Ti was saying.
Here it is the reason I fell off the sexual abstinance wagon by allowing thoughts that resulted in masturbation was because I had screamed to Ti (while Ti was outside the vehicle she’d had – what was diagnosed as liver cancer that started in her eye several years before she left), that I wanted a task like Do’s, like Jesus had. I had become so full of myself from working so closely with Do on so many tasks, helping fellow students, being the overseer of groups of fellow students in the 1994 2nd public face to face offerring of the info, doing a bunch of the speaking on video’s and in public meetings and on TV and Radio and for news articles and helped edit Rob Balch’s book on behalf of Do and was in someways looked up to for my self control (though I always was far more permissive of my eyes and thoughts at time in regards to sensuality/sexuality), though in someways I also accomplished a great deal in that discipline.
However I didn’t realize that Ti and Do’s crew were regulating how much temptation I was explosed to, which I did have several times I became privy to understanding. I knew at least in theory, but from my own experience that if Ti turned up the heat, I could be brought to my knees with my self discipline so when I inside my head demanded of Ti that I have a more challenging task, it was like saying the task I had was too easy so lay it on me, which wasn’t a negative to request, but I was doing so with a type of arrogance. Having the thirst to grow faster and serve more is great but that’s not where my head was entirely as I was operating for me, for my sense of heightening my self importance/value status. This wasn’t the first time but I didn’t see this until way after the fact.
But it wasn’t even hours after I screamed to Ti to demand faster growth and a task like Do had, (that I was not even remotley capable of handling because I had no idea what influences/discarnates he was regularily subject to – I did have some experience with knowing when you become a figurehead, as in any human organization as well, there are more that want what you have so there is competition and so one must build a skin to handle the associated stresses of popularity, not to mention what one gets when lots of people hate you and wish you were dead, which Ti and Do both received mostly indirectly via thoughts and feelings from relatives of their students as well as all the criticisms from students and students discarnate influences, Luciferian advasaries – They are legitimately being attacked around the clock with doubts about who they are and what they are responsible for – as Do wrote in 88Update, “not a day went by that I didn’t question my sanity”. Ti and Do told us they ran off our influences from us often. They knew which thoughts were the influences that focused on them from the ones that were from their students. The ones from students were not that hard to run off but it’s like being in a forest full of mosquitos – after a long day of bombardment it’s exhausting as anyone with a mentally stressful job can attest to.
Well their jobs was mental stress to the enth degree as they were not at all satisfied with themselves. They were always seeking how to help each student with their overcoming and how to move the overcall classroom to their next step which entailed physical considerations as well as how each student will respond – not wanting to lose them while not wanting to short them on what they needed to experience either, helping them make up theri own minds about what they wanted, the classroom or something in the world. If people knew to what lengths Ti and Do went to be sure each student genuinly to the best of their abilty wanted to do, they’d have no choice but to be in awe of these two and yet one would see any sign of this with Ti and it was only after Ti left that we saw the toll this took on Do, though how he rose above the weights each time)
that I was having sexual images in my head that I didn’t seem to have any abilty to stop or limit or distract myself from. I didn’t even seem to have the energy to want to stop them so at that moment I was out of control, when I thought I was so in control.
And yet after Do noticed how I’d become distant from him and I told him what I was doing, which was perhaps a week into regular masturbastion He asked me what I wanted to do and how he could help. I said, I needed to expose my breaking of vows/instructions to my fellow students, a regular occurance throughout the classroom and then at one point Do said to the group about me, that perhasp the hardest lesson any of us can have is failure. But at that point it was like I wasn’t even there and though in our “major/minor offense list” my actions and the deceit of hiding it were both grounds to be dismissed from the classroom, to which Do said, because I wasn’t threatening others with my loss of self control and because he said I had a lot to offer the Next Level so didn’t want to “throw me away”….that can sound harsh but in reality he had at that point 30 something other students that he was for his Older Member Ti responsible to bring through their individual birth canal. If any one student jeopardized another classmate’s viable birth or the mission, then that one was expendible, meaning they would be dismissed and given a plane ticket to where they wanted to do, usually with the option of coming back should they want to take a new stab at their overcoming process, which actually did happen with 19 students once sort of that way, but with 2 others with exactly that kind of ultimatum – that they needed to leave but if they wanted to tackle the lesson that caused them to be dismissed they would be accepted back. And we had a half way house for a while as well.
So now I’m in this semi-comfortable position. I’ve pushed past my fears of getting reinvolved which took years and began to be public with my experiences for the last 10 years, escalating more and more with a number of what I feel are contacts from Ti and from Do and from various classmates in dreams and in a sense of a open phone line and in theory I’m prepared to lose my life to this task, (though I doubt anyone takes it seriously enough to want to do away with the likes of me), yet at the same time I know I can offer Do more but feel for the moment I’m still doing what he’d have me do. But I’m very clear that in the not too distant future some major changes will take place that will make the 9/11 attack that brought endlenss war with no tangible enemy (the red horse) and endless financial crisis weights and balancing (the black horse) that will make it very unwise to be seen as soliciting new cult members (which I am not, but that’s never believed fully by those who know nothing about Ti and Do’s efforts), yet I must continue and when the internet becomes too restrictive in so doing (if that is what takes place eventually) then I know I must go on the road with the information, even church to church which can sound like a noble effort to some and to me in times past – you know that martyr/zealot syndrome that I don’t want to do, but I would not be able to just live out my vehicles days keeping what I know about Ti and Do bottled up.
So in some ways I do wish I would have stayed with them and left with them as I thought I was ready to do but as I have some roots re-established that are often fragile, I do feel further testing of my resolve and trust in Ti and Do will present itself which I really don’t feel that strong to deal with, but all I need to do is ask Do for help and I will get it but then I have to impliment that help. I still have the same lessons to face and in a way they are harder now, having failed once.
2) Why did you leave the classroom? I hadn’t overcome Ego and sensuality in the form of Sexuality thoroughly explained: